I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
