Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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