Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
