FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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