I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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