Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
