I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I need a burrito and a hug.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I just want to make out with him forever
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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