I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
