You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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