The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
