So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
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