You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
