i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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