So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
