she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
So. Much. Porn.
I did not marry a roomba.
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