you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
