The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
