you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
