when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
