ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Can I color on your dick again?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
