ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I believe in your delicious
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
