I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
