i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
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