Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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