the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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