She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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