bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
