Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I have feelings that need drinking.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
