Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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