ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
What a fucking waste of an outfit
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
