Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
