I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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