tell your sister to shave her snatch
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
It was confusing and full of hummus
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
