i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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