There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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