He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
