I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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