you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
