I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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