I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize