4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
