Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Just invented taco cereal.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
