Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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