I haven't been this sober since birth.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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