Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
