Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Randomize
