girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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