Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
