Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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