phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize