the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Just high enough for therapy.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
