im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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