you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Sorry about my life...
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
