if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
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