Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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