too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
this boner is exhausting
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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