Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
They took my balls.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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