She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
