I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
