You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
