im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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